JUST about everything you’ve been told about how to have great sex is wrong.
And isn’t that a terrible shame? Because if great sex eludes you, you might feel that loss really keenly. But if you’ve been lucky enough to have a wonderful sexual relationship, even for just a short time, you’ll know how incredibly precious that is and how the magic of that connection feels mysterious and kind of deep.
And yet people still persist in trying to give you ham-fisted short cuts to divine lovemaking.
Whether it’s Bettina Arndt telling women to just ‘put the canoe in the water’ whether they feel like it or not, those endless tiresome adverts to part hopeful men from their hard earned cash with the lie that lasting longer is the key to pleasure, the sealed sections’ detailed instructions for sex tech wizardry, or saucy tips on how to spice things up in the boudoir, we’re being led further and further astray from what fabulous sexual connection is really all about.
Spicing things up in the boudoir with moves from Fifty shades of Grey isn’t the answer to great sex. Source: Supplied
But the facts, people, are very friendly indeed. According to some of the most solid research on great sex we have, most of the stuff we worry about in the lovemaking department is hokum.
When it comes to having great sex, none of the following things matter. Whatever your sexual orientation or situation, you can stop worrying about them immediately.
1. Orgasms. They may matter a whole lot when you’re enjoying yourself for the sole purpose of getting to sleep, but people who are having great sex describe them as optional. Great sex is a goal free game.
2. Your body shape, age, wellness and ability. People who have great sex come in all shapes and sizes, abilities and ages. Don’t bother trying to change the unchangeable. You don’t have to pine for the past or wait for the future. Your time is now!
3. Electric chemistry. It can be nice, but it’s no guarantee of great sex. You can light a bonfire with a tiny flame.
4. Great technical skill. Unbelievable. You can be unco and hot in the sack. So go forth and fumble!
What a relief. With those erotic myths out of the way, you can be free to focus on what really matters in lovemaking. And what really matters is actually being there.
People who have great sex are present to each other and they’re willing to take emotional risks. They’re not worrying about the size of their butts, the duration of their erections, or how long it might take them to come. They’re in the moment with their partners. They’re vulnerable, deeply respectful, open and communicative. They talk and they listen and they’re naked on the inside as well as on the outside. They’re prepared to risk failure, rejection and ridicule in return for deep sexual and personal connection.
Wow. You can’t find that list in the sealed section. But before you get overwhelmed by how hard all of that stuff can be, remember that unlike our erections, bone structures, G spots and ages, we have some control over the quality of our presence when we make love. We can choose to risk opening ourselves to great sex and we can choose to get it on with people who are willing to take that risk with us.
So take a tip from the experts, those fortunate souls having super hot sex, and give up trying to get better, look better and feel better about sex. Stop trying so hard to be good in bed, it only gets in the way of hotness.
There is no recipe you can follow for passionate lovemaking except yours and your lover’s. Batteries, sexy underthings, date nights and playrooms are all optional. Porn-approved body parts are completely irrelevant. If you can open your eyes, your mind and your heart to your lover, and if they can meet you in that infinitely scary but ultimately exciting place, then you’re well on your way to the sex you never knew you dreamt about.
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