The definition of disappointing goes something along the lines of, “failing to fulfil one’s expectations or wishes.” Similar to disappointing, other words such as “devastating, awful, heartbroken” and even “violated” are used by some women when describing their baby’s birth.
Which begs the question — how can something which so many of us assume will be the highlight of our lives become an event which may be anything but?
I want the birth she had!
For as many women who conceive and give birth, there are different stories and experiences. What we know for sure is that there is no one universal truth when it comes to childbirth.
At its best, labour is straightforward and without complication. At its worst, it can result in the death of a mother and/or her baby.
The majority of women fall somewhere in-between these two extremes.
Why can’t I just accept the birth I had?
Childbirth expectation does not start when pregnancy is confirmed. For many women, it begins years before. Whether conscious of it or not, every birth story we hear and read about until our own, goes into our ‘bank’ of personal expectations.
What will it be like for me? We ask ourselves.
It’s fair to say that some women don’t honestly care what sort of labour or delivery they have. As long as all goes well they’re happy to just see what evolves and deal with it at the time.
But for many women, their approach is far from this. Much time and energy, discussion and planning is invested into researching and developing birth plans reflecting their desire to have as little intervention as possible. For them, a ‘natural birth‘, where they are in control and do not have pain relief, is the goal. And if this is achieved, what follows is the ultimate sense of achievement.
But if not, well that’s another matter entirely.
Susan Maushart says in her book The Mask of Motherhood, “Childbirth is largely a lottery. And ‘success’ probably has more to do with the vagaries of timing, the baby’s positioning and the mother’s innate physical endowments — matters of pure chance, all of them — than any of the variables we can control.” How true this is.
Why do I care so much?
At a time when we have never had more control over our lives, when so much of what we do is predictable and managed, it makes sense that we extend these same expectations to labour and childbirth.
Our education, careers, household and budgets tend to be carefully planned. For an event as important as the birth of our children why wouldn’t we want it to be as carefully orchestrated as the other aspects of our lives?
It’s important to build a bridge
For whatever reason your labour and childbirth did not happen the way you wanted it, the truth is, you can’t go back. It’s OK to feel sad and reflect on what could have been, but there is little value in this. Try to think of the present and be mindful of what is your current reality.
You will find that with time the emotional pain you are feeling will ease.
As your baby develops more of a history than just how they came into the world, you will build a relationship with them. The intensity of this will be greater than your sadness about their birth. But this may take time. Be patient and kind to yourself in the meantime.
But I can’t stop thinking about my baby’s birth
All women reflect back on their child’s birth. Ideally, this is with feelings of relief and happiness. But sometimes recollections can raise intense feelings of shock, disappointment, elation and even disbelief. Bitter disappointment can take many forms.
If you can, consider what your baby’s experience was during labour and birth. If you needed to have an assisted birth then it’s highly likely this was a relief to your baby. Obstructed labour, failure to progress or foetal distress are all valid reasons for birth intervention and caesarean section. And although this may have been very disappointing for you, it was probably far from it for your baby.
If you are finding you can’t ‘move on’ from your baby’s birth and keep replaying it in detail in your mind, get professional help. Your GP is a good starting point. If necessary, they will refer you to a health professional with expertise in dealing with post-natal issues.
Avoid thinking
•“I should be grateful, my baby is healthy and so am I.” This is important, of course, but it won’t help to chastise yourself this way. Feelings, generally, aren’t helped with logic.
•“How my baby was born really doesn’t matter.” Yes it does; if you feel sad then it is important.
•“Why was it so easy for her, why was she so lucky?” We can’t know how anyone else feels or what happened for them. Luck does not come into it.
•“I have to have another baby to heal.” This is a heavy burden to invest into another pregnancy and labour, what if it doesn’t go to plan either?
Things to focus on
•Labour is unpredictable and provides no guarantees.
•Avoid thinking that you are less of a woman because your baby’s birth was not what you would have preferred. What matters is love — for yourself and your baby.
•Labour and childbirth is never predictable.
•No matter how much you wanted a natural birth, there is a limit to how much you could have influenced this.
•Don’t compare yourself with other women. There is no value in this
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•You and your baby are so much more than how they came into the world.
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