SOMETIMES someone you’ve loved and lost just sticks like glue to your insides and refuses to budge even after what feels like an eternity. Maybe years have gone by, maybe you’ve found a new love, maybe you’re never, ever, ever, getting back together. But do time, distance and a new relationship really mean you’ve let go?
If you’ve got doubts about whether or not you’re really over your ex, here are a few signs that you might still be hanging on.
1. You see them in black and white
This is pretty normal in the early stages of a break up. She’s a terrible person, he’s ruined your life, she’s the angel you’ll never find again, he was the only one for you, it’s soothing to split the world into black and white when you’re full of the shock of the terrible new.
But if you’ve really processed the end of a relationship, the person you loved comes back in full colour. If you’ve really moved on, you can remember both the good and the bad times. You’re in touch with the things you loved and didn’t love about your ex. You can talk about your fondest memories and the things about them that drove you crazy. If your break up story is a black and white movie, then you haven’t reached the end yet.
2. You still don’t know what went wrong
When you’re still working through your break up, your picture of what went wrong can be pretty lopsided. Sometimes you just get stuck in the shock and you stay confused. You say things like, I didn’t see it coming, everything seemed fine, I had no idea, and you stay lost.
And sometimes your picture of what led to your break up looks a bit paint by numbers because you’re not really brave enough yet to face some of the finer details. So you say things like I always pick the wrong guys, she never really grew up or he must be having a mid life crisis. You let yourself off the hook and you stay in the dark.
When you’ve really done your break up work, you’ve got a picture of what happened that includes both of your faults and failings. You can see how you let each other down, and you can see how the odds might have been stacked against both of you. If you can’t clearly see what went wrong between you, then you’re missing a map of the past that has enough detail to help you find your way to a better future.
What went wrong John Mayer? What did you do to Tay Tay? Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images Source: Supplied
3. You’ve wiped them
It’s pretty simple. If you can’t or won’t speak to your ex for any other reason than protecting yourself from abuse, you’re still stuck. Ditto for refusing to speak about them and pretending they don’t exist. Moving on and letting go are flexible actions. Cutting off just shows you need a wall to protect you from feelings that are still running high.
4. You can’t be polite to them
If you’ve ever really loved and lost, you’ve probably had times where you didn’t feel in total control of your little red wagon. I’m not talking about stalking, violence or verbal abuse, which are more about using control than losing it, I’m talking about not being able to hold a simple polite conversation without getting lost in the pain of the past or the fear of the future.
If you can’t see your ex and talk without sniping, crying, freezing up or being rude, then you haven’t moved on. Moving on from a break up means the heat goes out of your meetings and you can treat your ex with basic respect
Are you over your ex if you write songs about them? Photo: Evan Agostini/Invision/AP Source: AP
5. You still hold them in the partner spot
Sometimes in an effort to lessen the pain of a break up, you both hang on to everything but the sex. Instead of a decent break that gives you both time to heal your hearts, you move straight to being best buddies.
Maybe your ex is still your first choice shoulder to cry on, or the one who helps you buy your clothes. Maybe they’re still listed as your next of kin. Maybe they’re your date when you feel lonely.
It can be truly wonderful to be friends with your ex, but a real post love friendship always comes after the bravery of grieving what used to be. If you still hold your past love in the partner spot, there may never be room for anyone else to take their place.
There’s no shame in taking time to let go. Sometimes the loss of love is so overwhelming that you can get stuck, lost or sidetracked on the way to moving on. But try not to fool yourself that you’re over it if you’re not. Give yourself the time you need, the help you need and the grace you deserve to get all the way to over it.
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