IT’S a time of torment. Your social life is torn apart, there are tears, and there are tantrums. And that’s just from the parents.
Being a teenager is one of the most difficult times in your life. You are moving from childhood in more ways than one. Not only do hormones kick in, with rapid body changes, kids have to move to high school, and often lose their old friends. Emotions are on edge, and they have to learn to deal with a whole new set of problems.
It’s particularly difficult for teenage girls, who often have their sense of self-worth and identity tied up in their image — which is even more challenging in today’s world ruled by social media.
Kim Smith is the founder of Standing Strong, a program aimed at raising happier, healthier teenage girls.
She believes there’s plenty we can do as parents to help ease the transition into adulthood.
She explains it’s important not to just spend time with your daughter, but to really think about how you use that time.
If you’re spending time with her, it’s probably best to listen to her. Picture: Warner Bros Source: Supplied
“You need to spend time for her, you need to spend time with her, and you need to spend time without her,” she explains.
“Time for her is where you put your parent hat on. You’re the care giver, you’re looking out for her basic needs and you’re in charge. This is the time where you can check in and make sure she’s doing her homework, or keeping up with her chores, as well as the person who knows best and can give her guidance.”
But Ms Smith said it is important to really separate that time with time you need to get to know your daughter, and really connect with her on her level.
“Time with her is different. Take the parent hat off. It’s time to just bond and connect. Don’t talk about doing the dishes or cleaning her room. Go to her level where it’s an equal playing field. Find out what her interests are and learn from her.”
Ms Smith said even if you really don’t enjoy what she does, don’t belittle her interests. Just try and enjoy it together.
“For example, watch an episode of the Kardashians together — don’t pick on it, laugh with her if she’s enjoying it. One of the biggest mistakes people make is putting down things their daughters are interested in. She’ll go through phases of what she’s interested in, so don’t get caught up in what it is, just go with the flow with her … don’t say ‘you hated that before’, just support her.”
While it’s important to invest a lot of time with your daughter, Ms Smith believes it’s equally important to invest time in yourself as a parent.
“It’s not about what you’re saying, it’s about what you’re doing. Girls really learn from what you do rather than what you say. So if you can do things like go to the gym, take care of yourself, spend time with your partner. Come back calmer, ready to enjoy time with your daughter.”
Some girls will be introverts, some will be extroverts. Don’t try to change their personalities or use the same parenting methods on both. Source: Channel 10
DON’T TRY AND CHANGE YOUR DAUGHTER
Ms Smith says one of the biggest mistakes parents can make is to try and change the basic personality of their child.
“Get to know who she is. Is she introverted or extroverted? Sometimes siblings are really different, and the same parenting skills won’t work with both. One of the best ways to think is whatever your child is, that’s OK. Don’t try to make quiet children more extroverted or to get loud children to calm down. When we focus on their strengths instead of trying to fix them, that’s when they start to feel more confident in themselves.”
HOW TO TACKLE SOME OF THE BIGGEST TEEN ISSUES
Ms Smith says it’s good for parents to start preparing for teen issues early, and this means teaching them about emotions and relationships early, which will help them deal with the huge social changes they’re about to face.
Try to get to know your daughter’s friends before labelling them a ‘bad influence’. Source: Supplied
FRIENDSHIP TROUBLES/ARE THEY A BAD INFLUENCE?
“Try to get to know her friends. There are always two sides to a story. We will always think our daughter is in the right — but try and find out what is going on, and build a relationship with her friends.” Ms Smith said this also helps if you have concerns about whether her friends might be a bad influence on your daughter.
“It won’t go down well (with your daughter) if you try and get rid of her friends — especially if she has a close bond with them. You’re better off trying to develop your own relationship with them, and help influence them. Don’t make judgment about someone you don’t even know.”
DRUGS/ALCOHOL
“As hard as it is for parents — if your daughter wants to do something, she’ll probably do it. So parents are much better to take on an approach of connection rather than control. Realise this is a time of exploration for her, she will want to try different things. The more parents can create an open platform, where their daughter knows she can talk to them, the easier this period will be. I’ve heard so many stories of girls who have gone behind their parents back and have had really bad experiences. The parents who have an open dialogue with their daughter have been able to influence their daughter’s decisions a lot more.”
Ms Smith said it can be really difficult when your daughter starts questioning whether you have tried any illegal drugs. It’s critical to be “careful” in this discussion.
“Explain what happened. Tell her if you have regrets about your experiences, and what you learned. Tell her the good and the bad, but recognise that times are very different now than they were 10 or 20 years ago.”
BOYFRIENDS/SEX
“We have to stop being scared to talk about sex. They are so exposed to sex on the internet. It’s much better to be learning things from a parent than learning online.”
Ms Smith warns parents not to rush these conversations — even if both of you are uncomfortable.
“Parents have to put their hard hat on — they need to be mature. Too often we get embarrassed and make the conversation short and sharp. Be gentle about what you say. What is she confused about, what does she want to know? If you ask about her friends it can take the pressure off the conversation just being about you and her. That will also show you have interest in her friends, and you can start to learn what she knows.
“If she does have a boyfriend, get to know him as much as you can. The more you know about this boy, the better it will be. Teen love is a very strong emotion, don’t belittle it or try and push it away. If your daughter knows that you like her boyfriend she’ll be more likely to ask questions. Treat her with maturity, and ask her how she feels, and what’s she’s getting out of the relationship. If she feels like she’s being respected it will make her step up a bit as well.”
MAKING TIME
Ms Smith said it’s crucial families make time for each other.
“Plan your week with your family. Use the time in the car to talk — prioritise it. The time we have with our children is limited. If we can’t find time to spend with them, we need to look at what we can cut down on. Is your family doing too many things? You might need to reprioritise as a family.”
She also said it was important for parents to realise their own stressors can influence the relationship with their daughters.
“If your life is hectic and busy you might not have the patience to deal with emotions that come up with raising a teen. Trey and slow down and think about why you are getting upset.”
Twitter: @katecalacouras
If you’re not a stable influence, she’s probably not going to open up to you. Picture: Absolutely Fabulous Source: News Limited
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