LAST night I went to the premiere of Amy Schumer’s new film Trainwreck,which meant I had to walk down a red carpet in front of a bazillion lenses and pose for photos.
This is the part where I tell you I am THE WORST at red carpets, my skill level at looking ridiculous/nervous/constipated = EXPERT.
For some reason I panic, I tend to over think the whole thing and end up looking like someone with a serious grudge against good fashion choices.
I look too much, too big, like I may burst from trying. In theory I should be a natural at these things, they should effectively be my Olympics. I love fashion, I am surrounded by gay men at all times and I am an attention-starved performer.
Nope, no, the opposite of that statement is in fact true.
So here I am last night and true to form I wore something ill-fitting with far too much chest on display.
The ‘swan’ shot. Picture: Julie Kiriacoudis Source: News Corp Australia
I’ll admit I look fairly put together here but let’s call this one the “swan shot”. On the surface I am cool and calm like a majestic swan upon a lake. This bitch totally has her s**t together, right you guys?! HA. Underneath the surface my little legs are pumping hard, driving a cavalcade of physical and mental pain that is furiously unfolding on a minute by minute basis.
Here’s how it went down:
1. The dress was so tight I thought I may give birth to my internal organs at any moment. I had purchased it three hours before (without trying it on) because I had nothing to wear due to the fact all my clothes are in storage at the moment. I did get myself some corrective Nanna spanx pants, but they showed under the thin layer of Lycra I was attempting to squeeze my body in, so I had to abandon them and suck everything in manually.
Yes my vanity was at such a level I was actually foregoing life sustaining oxygen to lessen my gut.
2. I had to go without underwear and this is not something I enjoy. Truth be told on the few occasions it has happened, I remember feeling exposed and vulnerable and last night was no exception.
Note: I don’t like a gentle breeze. I like my business strapped up tight preferably in some lightweight, breathable cotton.
Decidedly uncomfortable. Photo: Luis Ascui/Getty Images Source: Getty Images
3. The dress is too low cut for someone with my chestal challenges (aka I have breastfed two large babies). I ended up using some Scotch tape I found in my Dad’s shed to stick it to my bra (a foundation garment that could’ve taken a bullet without injury such was the padding) and my breasts needed to be tucked back in every 5 seconds or so. I couldn’t relax, I had to constantly look at my own chest to make sure nothing had escaped at the sides. I saw more of my areoles than I did of Amy Schumer.
4. Three of my toenails were without polish, I painted them on the way there and felt confident only two toes would show. Hey Em: THEY’RE OPEN TOED SHOES, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT?!
5. In lieu of any hair product my locks had to be slicked down with Aespo hand cream which really hurts too, as that stuff costs about $257 bucks a tube.
6. Finally, if you look really closely you’ll see that only half of both my legs are tanned because: LAZY. White thigh, orange calf and oh look white feet!
Not convinced of my claims? Well let us take a trip down Em Rusciano red carpet memory lane.
A timeless look. Source: News Limited
What the hell kind of situation is this? I look like Red Foo and a gothic, cowgirl, ballerina had a baby. I couldn’t even match my lipstick and my hand bag, I appeared to have tried and failed spectacularly. I went too hard here, I wanted to stand out and be fashion forward but instead I just look like a confused, experimental artist.
What about this one?!
At least the cardigan looks warm. Picture By Julie Kiriacoudis Source: News Corp Australia
What in GOD’S NAME and all in his kingdom was I thinking here?! I’ve got a Denise Drysdale weave happening up top and then a drunk house wife, dead cookie monster, matchy matchy scenario happening down the bottom.
Oh and what about the time I went out without a bra and forced my huge nipples upon the world, that was a fun time.
That time Em got her nipples out. Source: Supplied
Just ONCE I would like to effortlessly sweep down a red carpet. Is there a course I can do for that kind of thing? There should be. I never know where to put my hands, on my hip feels too staged but then they just hang there like marionette arms. I don’t know which angle I should hold my face on, if I should smile with my mouth or just my eyes or a bit of both but then I end up with a facial twitch and look like I’m having a series of mini strokes in the shots.
I am painfully aware that this is a VERY trivial thing to be concerned about and I know I’m extremely lucky to even be invited to these things considering my Z list status, but I just felt the need to purge today after what I did to myself last night. Perhaps if I admit my uselessness you will all forgive me the next time a photo of me looking like a twatt pops up. Instead you’ll feel sorry for me, notice the look of fear in my eye and chuckle quietly to yourself in a kind fashion.
Laughing with me instead of at me.
For your enjoyment here are more photos of me looking uncomfortable.
Lovely in leopard. Source: Supplied
Those shoulders! Source: News Limited
A bra and a skirt can do wonders when worn the right way.Source: News Limited
Perfectly matched with the girl in the background. Source:News Limited
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