Monday, 22 June 2015

9 Little Secrets Your Dad Doesn’t Need To Know About On Father’s Day

Whether you’re taking Dad to brunch this Father’s Day or you’re only able to FaceTime, one thing is certain: No matter how old you get and no matter how many times you screw up, he will always be your biggest supporter, even if he’ll never come right out and say it.
Do the guy a favor, though, and give him a day off from furrowing his brow and shaking his head in disbelief. Here are knowledge nuggets that he doesn’t need to hear about today:

What you’re actually doing for work

Yes, your dad’s the one who told you to get a job in the first place, but neither of you really want to confront the reality that you now have to report for something called “Chicken Suit Mondays.”
Who you’re sleeping with

Your mom is asking if you’re seeing anyone, but what your dad is silently thinking is, “Please don’t tell me about someone you ’see’ in the dark and late at night.”
The fact you’re paying good money to go on a cleanse

Nope. Eh. Nuh uh. No amount of mention of “blue green algae” or “antioxidants” is going to change his opinion about the fact that you spent hard-earned cash to starve yourself.
Who you’re voting for for president

You have the right to the educated opinions he’s paying tuition for you to have. Just not in his house.
Your dumb tattoo

It’s…what?! Meaningful to you?! Is being employable meaningful to you?! Great. Now get that sh-t out of his face, before you both remember that he still pays for your health insurance.
How he can improve his health by cutting down on red meat

If he wanted advice on how to lengthen his lifespan, he would’ve listened to his single friends 25 years ago when they told him not to have kids. Plus, it’s Father’s Day. Let the man eat his flesh in peace.
Which of your Instagram posts just popped off

Every single glance at your phone or mention of “The Twitter” is proof positive of what he’s long suspected — that he accidentally spawned a member of the most obnoxious generation of all time. He’ll be S-ing his D H until you bring the conversation back to something that matters — like the off-season.
Your new artsy major

You say, “I’ve realized I’m much more interested in exploring anthropology through performance art.” He hears, “I just decided you have to spend an extra $15,000 for me to be a puppeteer.”
Which legal shenanigan he’s about to bail you out of

Maybe just wait ’til tomorrow to tell him you need to borrow cash for the 11 parking tickets you got that must have been lost in the mail.